I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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