I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize