I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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