Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
