I haven't been this sober since birth.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
