it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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