I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
