I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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