You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
