I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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