You can't special order awesome
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
