i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
