I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
BRING THE BAGELS
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
