I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
