Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
