I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
