also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
