tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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