She's JV to your varsity
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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