Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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