I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
