Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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