oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
