Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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