we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize