I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
