Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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