What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
