Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
