I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
