So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize