the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
