You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
