The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
