I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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