The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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