it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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