just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
