blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
