my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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