I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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