i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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