yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
