how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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