Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
