i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
