I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
