I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
