ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My penis needs a shock collar
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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