Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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