Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
