Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
