how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
