just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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