she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
