Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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