I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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