Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize