You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
